Can I Really Do This? Navigating The Mother Load

A question most mothers will ask themselves at one point or another is, "Can I really do this?" Balancing motherhood, work, personal growth, and other responsibilities can feel overwhelming, so today I want to share some strategies that have helped me navigate a challenging few months.

I recently went through 9 weeks of solo parenting while my husband was away, during which time I also had multiple gallbladder attacks, underwent surgery, and dealt with ongoing health issues with our children. Everything started piling up and it started to wear me down.

Signs of Reaching the Limit
Stress manifests in many ways—irritability, frustration, and heightened anxiety, to name a few. When I noticed these signs, in particular the feeling of resentment, appearing more frequently, I knew something needed to change. I was short-tempered, and my mental health was slipping because I wasn't making enough time for self-care.

Around three or four weeks ago, I hit a wall but it seemed that the only solution was to push through. During this time, the resentment and bitterness that I was feeling indicated to me that I was out of alignment.

Setting Boundaries
One of the first things I had to work on was setting better boundaries, especially during times when I was solo parenting and didn't have space away from the kids. I've worked hard to establish simple but effective boundaries like not being disturbed when I'm in the shower or on the toilet!

It's important to be brave enough to enforce boundaries, even if they seem trivial. For instance, I've told my children that my office and bedroom are off-limits for their playtime because I need these spaces to function effectively and peacefully.

Shared Responsibility
Resentment often comes from feeling that you're carrying too much of a load. This could be physical tasks, but it can also be the mental and emotional load of feeling responsible for everything.

I’m so grateful to have been recommended the Fair Play method by Eve Rodsky, which involves dividing household responsibilities more equitably. We went through the cards together to decide who takes responsibility for various tasks and it helped us gain clarity, understand each other and distribute the load more fairly.

Balancing Work and Motherhood
Lastly, I had to address my capacity for work. Like many mothers, I love my children more than anything, but my work also brings me joy and a sense of purpose. However, it's challenging to find the right balance. I've learned that I need to be realistic about how much work I can handle without compromising my well-being and ability to be a present, happy mother. Remember, it’s crucial to find joy and fulfilment in both your personal and professional roles.

What thoughts and feelings do you experience when you’re out of alignment? 

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Transcript

[00:00:00] Benita: Hello and welcome back to me plus motherhood. I'm Benita and I'm so delighted that you've made the decision to hit play on this episode. I'm really glad you've joined me on this podcast. We have conversations about you, the mother, helping you to maintain and enhance your well being, your mindset. so much.

[00:00:44] We talk about the changes you go through in the developmental process of becoming a mother, reclaiming yourself and your time in motherhood, managing and mothering day to day. We share stories of motherhood and the work that I do with moms is all about understanding who you really are and helping you to embrace your gifts, which at times in motherhood can feel so far away.

[00:01:08] But they aren't really, we can make choices to be more creative and to embrace our gifts at any time, even in small ways. Today's episode is about my lived experience recently. It's mid June as I'm recording this and up until about a week ago. I was in the thick of a bit of a heavy patch. I would say, I was holding onto a lot at once.

[00:01:35] And that patch started in about early April. So I guess just to set the scene for this episode, for this nine week period I'm going to talk about, Which led me to deciding to share it with you because I developed some processes or reached some kind of points of clarity, which I feel if I share them with you, there'll be some benefit to your some help along the way to set the scene this nine week period.

[00:02:01] was largely, I was solo parenting. So Adam was away for about six weeks of those nine weeks, maybe a little bit more. He did come and go a couple of times. Um, he was away working. So he was, it wasn't like a complete block. He was here in and out, during that period, but largely I was, um, solo parenting.

[00:02:25] and I also in that time had several gallbladder attacks, needed to have gallbladder surgery and then was recovering from gallbladder surgery as well as multiple health challenges with our children, including one of our boys being home for an extended period in this last nine weeks and missing majority of the school term, at home for various different reasons.

[00:02:49] so. I'm accustomed to having little peak periods where Adam's not around and I'm sort of managing all the things. But when it starts to add up on top of illness and on top of continuing to work and run businesses and do all the things, it started to really wear me down. And I got to a point where I was asking the question, can I actually do this?

[00:03:20] Can I actually continue my work, which I love? Can I continue my creative pursuits, you know, run our agri business, run my coaching business. I don't run our agribusiness solely on my own. That's a shared thing with Adam and I, and do all the mom things for four kids. Age six to 10, four boys.

[00:03:40] Uh, I noticed that when things are all going well and life is kind of in inverted commas normal, it's okay. But as soon as shit hits the fan, for want of a better expression, then it starts to really test me. And I guess that's makes sense. But what I realize is that I can't have my. Bucket full at a hundred percent and then expect to absorb the additional stuff when it occurs without an impact on me.

[00:04:19] My bucket needs to be at 80 percent maximum in order to be able to accommodate when I need it. All these extra things happen. And I mean, that could be illness. That could be your partner being away. It could be death. It could be a new baby, a new job, moving, like all the big things. and I also want to acknowledge that I, I have a supportive, helpful husband in Adam.

[00:04:46] Our marriage is not perfect. We are not perfect, but I understand there'll be some of you listening who don't have that and who manage on your own most of the time. So. Um, I guess in sharing what I'm sharing, I always. want to make the disclaimer that I recognize that I'm a privileged, able bodied white woman in a heterosexual relationship and that there is a lot of diversity out there in the community of who's listening to this.

[00:05:11] So I guess all I can share is my lived experience, but please know that in the back of my mind, I'm thinking of you all and all. For those of you who have children who are chronically unwell, I mean, I've experienced recently what it's like to have kids who are sick all the time and it's, it's very stressful.

[00:05:28] So yeah, sending you all my thoughts and love and just know that, um, you're in my thoughts as well. And I hope that what I share is also relatable for, for all of you in some way. So what I noticed is I started to really hit a wall. And the reason I knew that is because I started to react more quickly in a more unhelpful way.

[00:05:51] I was getting irritable, frustrated at small things. my anxiety levels were higher. I was starting to go into overdrive, going to like this heightened state. I wasn't regulating my nervous system. I wasn't making as much time for self care. I felt like I couldn't find the time when I'm in a regulated state.

[00:06:09] I can usually plan when I'm going to exercise and how I'm going to fit in things that fill my cup. And, when I can feel my mental health slipping, I now know that's one of the things that goes out the door. So I just sensed I was at my limit. And probably three or four weeks ago now, I said to Adam, I'm, I'm really struggling.

[00:06:35] And he was working away. And he said, I don't know, you know, I don't know what to do. Like, we've just got to push through this and, you know, can I get more help? And I felt like I sort of already had adequate help with the home and knew that it was short term, relatively short term, that he was away. So That, that place feels quite stuck when you feel like you are drowning, um, and you've just got to push through, but I did and, have sort of come out the other side, but what I recognized I needed in the time we were going through this process, because I also, not only was it irritability, frustration, being feeling a bit more short tempered, I noticed resentment.

[00:07:17] and anger. And when, when I start to feel bitter, I know that I'm out of alignment. My human design energy type as a projector, I can tell when I'm in my not self, when, when I noticed bitterness and when I noticed resentment. So I've recognized then that like something needs to change here. Yes. Maybe this is a unusual circumstance to have all this illness and out of my way, et cetera, et cetera.

[00:07:45] But also there's, there's learnings here and. I find about every six months, it's like going through an evolution within myself and in my life, you know, things change. I'm changing and growing our relationships, changing and growing our circumstances, our children, our businesses, everything's shifting. And it's like you need to do a reset again.

[00:08:08] what's working for me then may not be working for me now. So what do I need to do in order to get new results? In my world. And what does that look like in terms of thoughts, feelings, and actions? In my case, I recognized. I needed better boundaries, with quite simple things in, mainly in terms of, in terms of the home and family, like, because I was doing a lot of solo parenting, and not getting the space away from the kids cause they were home sick so much and space is really important to me.

[00:08:42] I'm an introvert. I'm also a highly sensitive person and overstimulation for me is an issue. So lots of time on my own. Lots of free space is important. so if I don't get that, I really notice it and therefore some boundaries are important. And also just in general, in our home boundaries, in all of our homes and lives, boundaries are important.

[00:09:04] Boundaries have not always been an easy thing for me. I've realized this a lot in the last 18 months is. Wow, I've not been good at boundaries in the past and I'm a recovering people pleaser. I've always liked to keep people happy. I'm very in tune with how they feel and I can sense when people don't feel good and I like for them to feel good.

[00:09:25] So boundaries then don't come naturally. So I'm, I'm working hard on. implementing them. So this is my first, the first thing I recognize I needed to do. So that's just simple things like do not talk to me when I'm on the toilet or in the shower. My children are old enough now that they don't need to do that.

[00:09:43] Um, they can take care of themselves while I have a shower and while I go to the loo. And I said, please don't come and talk to me unless you are dying or there's some actual disaster. Please leave me alone. Um, the other one is please don't eat or play in our bedroom so that I feel like I have some space in this house that is, that is mine and that feels nice and is not invaded and condemned by children.

[00:10:11] Same with my office. I'm fortunate that in this house I can have a room that is, that is my office. And, um, In this time, because I was, you know, not prioritizing the house cleanliness or tidiness so much, The, the boys were playing in my office a bit and doing lots of drawing and things, which was great because they were working on a book and they were doing these drawings.

[00:10:33] but it just sort of took over my office, like papers and pens and pens with no lids on and all sorts of things. And at first I was like, Oh, it's so good. I love seeing them be creative, but as I could feel myself. Starting to become depleted. It started to irritate me. And that's how we know when we need a new boundary or we need to take action.

[00:10:55] Just noticing those little signs. Okay, this is irritating me now. I'm at my capacity. I've reached the end of my window of tolerance here and I just hadn't been brave enough to say, I actually don't want you doing art in my office because this is my space. This is where I come to be professional and to show up as my best self in my role.

[00:11:16] And the clutter overstimulates my mind. my nervous system. So, that's another conversation we just had just on the weekend. Once I got clear on what it is I needed. The other one is, um, my bedtime and being firmer with our boys that when it's time for mommy to go to bed, because her sleep's really important as well, that I'm going to go to bed.

[00:11:40] And if you're still awake and, or if you're still, you know, yelling out to me that you need something, then I'm sorry, but. It's not going to happen, obviously, unless, you know, something they really need. But if it's just to talk to me about, you know, the next question about the meaning of life, then that can wait, wait until tomorrow.

[00:11:59] simple things I know, but amazing the difference it makes. The second thing is I need what I needed to address, which is shared risk, but more shared responsibility in our home. again, the clue for this for me was resentment. I was recently reading, Brene Brown's work about resentment.

[00:12:18] And she says, resentment is the feeling of frustration, judgment, anger, better than, and, or hidden envy related to perceived unfairness or injustice. It's an emotion that we often experience when we fail to set boundaries or ask for what we need. Or when expectations let us down because they were based on things we can't control, like what other people think, what they feel, or how they're going to react.

[00:12:43] And in a different paragraph, she says, when I start to feel resentful, instead of thinking, what is that person doing wrong? Or what should they be doing? I think, what do I need, but I'm afraid to ask for. So when I noticed I started to, I was starting to feel resentful. I thought about this, about what I had read.

[00:13:01] And I kept asking myself, what is it I need that I'm afraid to ask for? And I realized what it was was to share the load a bit more. And again, Adam is a really, he, he's an incredible husband. He's incredible man. And he definitely helps me do a lot of things. And we, we're a pretty good team, but I was feeling as though I was carrying the mother load in terms of the, in terms of the invisible stuff that goes with running a house and managing the family.

[00:13:31] and. When I was, when I'm feeling good, some of that wouldn't have bothered me, but when I started to feel depleted, it was just glaringly obvious that we needed to have some conversations about sharing the load some more. And so what we did, I, I asked this question in the, in the motherhood mentorship group.

[00:13:51] I'm a part of with Sophie Brock, who I've, that I mentioned in my previous episodes. And within that group, they made me aware of the fair play. Book and cards by Eve Rodsky. So I ordered the fair play cards and I'm not at all in any way affiliated with this, but I just wanted to let them let you know about them because I know in my coaching work with mums, this is an issue that comes up a lot.

[00:14:16] Like, how do I, how do I share with my partner? what it is I'm doing that he doesn't see. And We can feel a real, uh, real shame around, it doesn't look like I'm doing much, but I know I'm doing a lot. My body's telling me that, and I know my to do list is huge and I can never get through it. So fair play, you work through this process with the cards of deciding with each card, who's going to take on the responsibility for that in your home.

[00:14:47] And there's family ones, and there's holiday ones, and there's, there's 102 cards. So it's a, it's a comprehensive deck. You choose what's applicable for you. So we did that on the weekend, um, because Adam was finished being away. He was back. We're in a good head space and you need to do it when you're both in a good, good state of mind, a state of being.

[00:15:05] so, um, It was so good to have those conversations. and you know, there were a few little niggles as we went through it, like, you know, a bit of defensiveness, both of us, like, well, I help with that. And, you know, and we both, I think we're trying very hard not to be going, well, I do this and well, I do that.

[00:15:24] but as I kept saying to Adam, this is not about who's helping the other, it's who's taking responsibility for this thing. Who's going to make sure it gets done? Who's going to make, you don't have to do it all, you can ask for my help, but it's your responsibility. project. It's your thing. and there were several things that, I asked Adam to take on to do with the home and the kids.

[00:15:47] And again, like things he's helped me with anyway, but like, for example, the kids homework, I said, can you please take that on? Even though you're not here all the time when we're doing homework, if you can just do the thinking and the planning and, and take ownership of it, that's a huge weight off my shoulders.

[00:16:05] So we went through that exercise and, um, Oh, it was, it was just so good. Um, so we now have these kind of two piles of cards that I'm going to write into a list of what we're both each responsible for, because that, that organizational management management in the home is, is really important. I can't express enough how important clarity is of whose responsibility is, is what, and we often do that in businesses, but it's important in the home as well.

[00:16:33] So I highly recommend that. the third thing, or what was, I guess, weighing heavily on me as the default parent most of the time, is how much capacity do I, and time and capacity do I actually have for my work? So in my life, works like milk chocolate and mothering's like the dark chocolate.

[00:17:01] Like I love my boys more than anything in the world. And I would choose being a mom over anything else, over any work project or anything. But I, my work is part of who I am. it's part of. My purpose. It's what I love. It, it, It means so much to me. It lights me up but always managing the amount is the thing, because I have, as you may experience as well, I have so many ideas that I want to execute, execute on, and I could, you know, there's always that feeling of like, I'll do this and I'll do that.

[00:17:37] And, so I work as a coach with the Farm Owners Academy and. As a, accountability coach and which I love. And I do my coaching work with moms, which I love and this podcast and writing and all sorts of things. And it's like, how much of this can I really do? Because now that I, as I learn more about myself as a highly sensitive person and the, the amount of space that I need so I don't have overstimulation, um, So I'm not overstimulated. So building in rest and, and time for myself. I really have to design my life in a better way so that when the, when I pick the kids up from school, I'm in a great state to show up as my best self. And maybe there's some perfectionism behind this of wanting to kind of.

[00:18:26] Be good at all of it. Um, and that's something that I'm always mindful of is, is this just me feeling like I'm not enough? but it's just tweaking the blend of work, life, mothering, et cetera. All the little, if you think about All the things that you have on your plate, if you were to draw, draw a mind map, or if you were to have them as columns on a graph or pillars, all the pillars of your life, how do you blend them all in such a way that.

[00:18:56] Has you being your best, sustainably, healthfully, in a way that brings you joy? Because that really is the purpose of all of it is joy. so that caused me to go through a decision making process of what time do I actually have? To give to my work, what's most important to me and what is most important right now?

[00:19:22] Like, what can I leave until a later date? what projects are the, are the, are the highest priority? from a financial point of view, what is going to return the most for my, um, for the investment of my time, all of those questions led me to, after feeling like really in this murky state for weeks and weeks of mulling over all this.

[00:19:41] I. I just seem to kind of get, have a breakthrough and go, okay, I know, I know what I need to do. And that was to get more clarity around what hours I spend on what, what are my goals right now? what needs to wait till another time What, what am I really trying to achieve? Just all those sorts of questions that I'd be more than happy.

[00:20:02] And these are the types of things I work with people on getting clarity for themselves, but doing it for myself and winding back my work hours as well. So that again, so there's some transition time between work and picking up the children. And there's some transition time in the evening as well, before I go to bed.

[00:20:21] so there's lots to dig into amongst that, but those were the three things I investigated boundaries, shared responsibility or sharing the load. It's not completely equal, but more equitably and the process I went through with my work and my business, you know, asking myself those questions about what time do I actually have, what's important to me in that time and ensuring that the priority stuff gets, gets met and being really, Really clear and realistic about what I can do at this time.

[00:20:54] I hope that's helpful for you. I'd love your feedback. Thank you for tuning in. As always, feel free to reach out to me. this type of work we do in my Illuminate course and is a process that we go through together in that course to help you gain more clarity, understand who you really are and to find your spark again.

[00:21:16] So thanks for listening.