How And Why I Gave Up Wine O'Clock

I’m tackling a bit of a sensitive topic today and if you’re currently relying on that nightly glass (or two) of wine to unwind after a long, stressful day, it may even hit a raw nerve to hear me talk about why, and how, I gave up wine o’clock.

In Australia, we have such an alcohol fueled culture, which makes it harder to recognise the dangers of wine o'clock in mummy wine culture. It’s become normal to reach for a drink to cope, relax, escape, celebrate, socialise, drown your sorrows, and every other reason we find.

Sure, wine relaxed me in the short term, but drinking also came with a lot of guilt, poor sleep, and a bunch of other negative effects - hello hangover! And when stress showed up in my life, more alcohol did too.

So on Christmas morning of 2021, I decided enough was enough and I was going to stop drinking for 12 months, maybe longer. I'd been longing for the courage to decide for almost two years but before then, I didn’t believe I could completely give up. That morning, I felt immense relief and pride in myself that I had drawn the line in the sand.

Initially, I thought giving up alcohol would be all about willpower and making the conscious decision to stop. But while willpower played a role, I quickly realised that for lasting change, I needed to go deeper.

Going Beyond Willpower to Subconscious Beliefs

In August 2021, I started the alcohol experiment conducted by This Naked Mind to explore my relationship with alcohol. A light bulb moment came on day one of the experiment when I reflected on the question, “Why do I drink?”.

You see, you can use your thoughts and willpower to change your habits. But, this approach only scratches the surface. The real transformation begins when you uncover those deeply ingrained ideas that drive your behaviours. For me, there was a subconscious belief that alcohol was essential for relaxation and coping with stress, a belief that had to be reprogrammed.

When the subconscious and the conscious minds agree, willpower is no longer needed because you're no longer fighting against yourself. After doing the alcohol experiment, I realised that I didn’t even want to drink. My body didn’t like it, my mind didn’t like it and the benefits of being sober far outweighed the challenges. 

Giving up wine o'clock wasn't easy, but it was one of the best decisions I've made for myself and my family. It allowed me to find new ways to love and care for myself, without the crutch of alcohol. If you're feeling stuck in a similar cycle, know that change is possible. You can rewire those subconscious beliefs and find healthier ways to cope with the beautiful chaos of motherhood.

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Transcript

[00:00:19] Benita: Welcome back to the show. Thank you for being here. And I hope this finds you well, wherever you are tuning in from. Today's episode is about how and why I gave up wine o'clock. My heart's beating just at the thought of this topic because it's a bit of a sensitive one. And I find that it hits a raw nerve with people who may be also having feelings that I had about alcohol a few years ago before I decided to live an alcohol free life.

[00:00:53] I wanted to talk about this because earlier this year I had my story featured by the Sober in the Country charity as part of their amplification project, which was an, intensely special honor. And they came out to our farm last March, so in March, 2023 for two days of filming between the farm and Gundawindi with, with me and my family.

[00:01:18] And I shared my story about my journey towards Giving up alcohol and why, and I'm really proud of it. it's also really scary to share that because we have such an alcohol fueled culture and I'm not at all anti anyone having a drink. I think if you can enjoy alcohol safely and moderately, then amazing.

[00:01:49] Not everyone can. And I got to a point in my life where I couldn't, even though for many, many years drinking was just such a normal part of my life. So whenever I share about this topic, which I haven't done a great deal of, I did write a blog post back in 2022, and I've done a few social media posts every now and then, and every time I do, it gets a big response or I have people reach out to me or people come up to me at a later date and let me know that.

[00:02:22] It was really helpful what I shared or that they've made a brave decision or made a change as a result of that. So it's a topic that I've felt increasingly passionate about. I'm not at all interested in becoming an anti alcohol campaigner. I Just want everyone to be educated about the dangers of wine o'clock in mummy wine culture.

[00:02:51] It's really prevalent that have a coffee or have a wine. We joke about it a lot as mums. It's real. There's a lot of it in marketing, in memes, in funny things on social media. And, you know, for a long time, It was kind of nice for me as well and would make everything, I did feel okay until it. Didn't feel okay anymore.

[00:03:20] and again, I don't want anyone to feel ashamed if you enjoy having a drink, because that is absolutely your choice. And I haven't, I have nothing against that. It's purely just wanting to share my story in the hope that maybe it may support one of you or someone you love who is feeling shame. is feeling, hiding their behavior, struggling with wanting to drink or drinking a bit too much to cope with day to day life, which was my challenge.

[00:03:50] And the mummy wine o'clock culture giving me permission to do that and making it feel okay when really it wasn't. I really actually wasn't okay in terms of how I was, handling stress and how I was not able so easily to stop drinking after pouring one glass of wine.

[00:04:15] And how that addictive substance, because that's what it is, was starting to wreak a little bit of havoc. along with some challenges with mental health and some other highly emotional times going on in life. it wasn't great. So I'm going to share, I'm actually going to read out the blog post that I wrote in April, 2022, because it tells my story.

[00:04:38] And then I'll come back and share a little bit more. You can also go to the Sober in the Country website and look up on there, the amplification project, and you'll find the video I think it's six minutes, a six minute video of what I shared that as I said, was filmed on location at our, in our homes.

[00:04:57] And that gives you a bit more detail. I've also got that linked via my Instagram page at Benita Bench. So I'll read this out now.

[00:05:10] Okay. How and why I gave up wine o'clock. From the outset, I'd like to respectfully acknowledge that this post may be triggering for some. It's not my intention to make light of issues such as substance abuse, addiction, trauma, stress, and mental illness. I'm not an expert on this topic and the information I share should not be perceived as advice.

[00:05:32] And to be clear, I'm not against anyone enjoying an alcoholic drink. Which is still the case. My purpose in sharing this story mirrors my business mission, which is to help mothers globally to thrive. Giving up wine o'clock is a part of my journey to thrive, and I'm writing this in the hope that my story may support you or someone you love who is feeling like I did.

[00:05:55] It's my opinion that the glorified wine o'clock culture in motherhood is unsupportive of mothers who are using alcohol as a coping strategy at that time of day. As we drove to my parents house on Christmas morning 2021, something clicked inside me and I declared to myself, and quietly to Adam in the seat next to me, that it would be the last day I would have an alcoholic drink for 12 months, or maybe ever.

[00:06:23] It wasn't a sudden decision. I'd been longing for the courage to make it for almost two years. Before then, I hadn't believed that I could give up alcohol totally. Even 30 dry days had been a challenge previously. But the conviction I felt in the moment took me by surprise. I felt immense relief and pride in myself that I had drawn the line in the sand.

[00:06:46] It felt right, and it felt absolute. To backtrack, since my late teens, it's been a normal part of my life to drink. Beer, champagne, wine, rum, I enjoyed all of it. Alcohol was a part of my environment through childhood, my teen years when it was cool to start drinking, in university when being drunk was encouraged, during my professional years when a drink after work was just what you did, and now as a working mum when wine o'clock is fashionable.

[00:07:15] My subconscious has been with this for 40 years. Add to that the marketing messages we are constantly subjected to, and no wonder it's ingrained and normal in our culture to reach for a drink to cope, relax, escape, celebrate, socialize, drown your sorrows, and every other reason we find. I think enjoying an alcoholic drink in moderation is great, if you can, and not everyone can.

[00:07:44] And that's the part we have to be honest with ourselves about. From June 2013 to March 2019, I spent the better part of that time either pregnant or breastfeeding and I enjoyed the break it gave me from alcohol. I thought I'd really miss it. And I did a bit, but in my heart, I was actually relieved that alcohol was taken out of the equation.

[00:08:07] I liked that I didn't have to decide if, when, what, or how much I would drink. After that, I would do a couple of stints of 30 days alcohol free when I was on a health kick, mainly to help release some baby weight. And I liked how it felt when without it. But when I wasn't on a health kick, wine o'clock was becoming a bigger thing for me in motherhood.

[00:08:31] When stress showed up in my life, more alcohol did as well. Like during lockdown in COVID times, times of peak load on the farm, when Adam wasn't around so much, the height of the drought, on days when things got too much with the kids, or I was pushing too hard in general. During those times, enjoying one glass of wine in the evening easily turned into more.

[00:08:56] I'd think it would help to have that extra glass of wine, but it didn't. Or I didn't think at all, it was just a habit to pour another glass. It felt good for a while, and then it didn't. Alcohol is a drug. And it became a problem, because when I wasn't feeling strong, it was ultimately controlling me and not me it.

[00:09:18] I didn't like the after effects that night or the next morning, and the impact of it on my physical and mental health. I stopped buying wine at times because I didn't want to be tempted by it, but then we'd eventually buy it again. Midway through 2021, I admitted to Adam that I was worried about my relationship with alcohol.

[00:09:39] I felt like it was starting to control me rather than the other way around. I wasn't getting properly drunk or consuming bottles of wine every night. I was still very high functioning, but it was just becoming a thing in my life. I felt like I wasn't okay with it anymore and it was really starting to worry me.

[00:09:58] Gratefully, my awareness of alcohol and addiction has increased markedly through following Sober in the Country, which the Instagram handle is at Sober in the Country, between each word. Sober in the Country is a national rural grassroots Australian charity, making it okay to say no to beers in the bush and saving lives.

[00:10:20] Shanna Wong and her team have crept on. Cracked open more authentic conversations about alcohol use in the bush. And I've watched with admiration as have chosen sobriety as a result. I felt a pull towards it, but I wasn't ready at that stage to choose a sober life. In August 2021, I felt like I needed to do something.

[00:10:45] I started the alcohol experiment conducted by This Naked Mind, which is at this naked mind on Instagram to explore my relationship with alcohol. And I posted this on my Instagram page at the time. The alcohol experiment is focused on understanding your relationship with alcohol, so that you can take back your power and choices about how you consume it.

[00:11:05] If you want If at all in your life. At that stage, I wanted to understand why alcohol takes control. Sometimes change my habits and take it off a pedestal. It was a light bulb, of course, moment on day one of the alcohol experiment to start with my beliefs around alcohol. Why do I drink? Why did I sign up to the alcohol experiment?

[00:11:28] This is the sort of work I do with my clients in their lives. So it's funny how you don't see the obvious for yourself. Yeah. and I wondered why I'd never thought of this before in relation to alcohol. Each day of the experiment, there's a new lesson. For example, why we think we like to drink.

[00:11:44] Why doesn't work for long. The power of self talk, your incredible body and brain. Staying mindful in the midst of chaos and relieving boredom without drinking. It was a beautiful reminder that everything starts from within. Our habits and the results we get in life are all largely controlled by our subconscious mind.

[00:12:03] You can change your and use your thoughts and willpower to stop or alter your habits. But to enact lasting change, you need to go deeper and work on your subconscious beliefs. The same applies for any habitual behavior. The Alcohol Experiment App says on day six, it's safe to say that most of us have tried to use willpower to control our drinking, but most have also failed miserably.

[00:12:29] Recent studies have been conducted to examine this topic of willpower. And interestingly, what they found is that willpower is much like the life of a battery or an energy source. Did you know that making decisions requires you to use some of that energy reserve or willpower? Stressful days at work or with the kids or whatever you do sucks life out of that energy reserve.

[00:12:49] So by the time it's 5pm and we have exhausted our power bank, it's a whole lot harder to say no to a drink. There is hope. If we can get the different parts of our minds, the subconscious and the conscious, to agree that we don't want or need to drink, there's no willpower needed there's no decision to be made.

[00:13:08] Your mind will be in harmony with the decision to abstain from drinking. So by doing the inner work that the alcohol experiment asked of me, I quite quickly felt differently about alcohol. I started working on changing my beliefs, both conscious and subconscious, and actually changing my desire for alcohol.

[00:13:26] I didn't give it up after the 30 days, but I appreciated the break and I learned a lot. I felt like I was on a better path after doing that. Then in the next few months, I went through some stuff in my life that impacted me heavily from a mental and emotional point of view. Unconsciously, drinking became a numbing behavior.

[00:13:46] along with food to escape the uncomfortable feelings I was feeling. I didn't recognize this at the time. I just knew I was drinking more than normal and beating myself up about it. It was harvest time on the farm and a lot to cope with on my own. Then it got to the silly season and there were even more reasons to drink.

[00:14:04] As the afternoon would approach, the mental chatter would begin, deciding whether to have a drink or not, and how many. I tried enforcing all sorts of rules, like just one glass of wine, no alcohol on weeknights, no wine while preparing dinner. Only a wine while preparing dinner, but that's it. No red wine.

[00:14:22] Only drinks on Wednesday night and the weekend. I continually broke my rules and it caused a huge amount of anguish within me. And I'll just add to that, um, I didn't say it at the time, but so much shame as well. Like feelings of failure. When it got to Christmas day, I decided enough was enough.

[00:14:39] It was easier to stop completely than to try and control it any longer. I haven't had a drop of alcohol since, and it feels fantastic. Have I been tempted? Absolutely. Has it been easy? No, not always. Do I miss it? Sometimes, but I've found replacements and the benefits far outweigh the disadvantages. I love that I can go to bed every night with a clear mind.

[00:15:05] My sleep is no longer affected. I've lost weight off my belly. Maybe then I did, but I think it's come back on, not because of alcohol. I drink more water. I no longer worry about what will if someone is sick or hurt and I can't drive them to the hospital. And at that stage, we were 130 Ks from town.

[00:15:23] I wake up without the effects of alcohol, even after a social occasion. No hangovers! That's the best thing. There is no longer the exhausting mental struggle around alcohol as wine o'clock approaches. I feel healthier. I'm investing wine money elsewhere. And most importantly, I can drive my family home safely from wherever we are on a night out.

[00:15:43] I'm not sure yet if I'm giving up alcohol for life or whether it's for these 12 months, but I'm loving the advantages of alcohol free life so far. It's different and not always easy, but better. I know this is a heavy, complex topic. And again, I want that I support individual choices and I have nothing against drinking in a safe and responsible way.

[00:16:03] What I have experienced, and maybe you have too, is that wine o'clock can creep up on you start to become a bit of a problem. If you are starting to get concerned about your drinking, as I was mine, it may be time to pause and have an honest conversation or reach out for support. There are some great resources on the Sober in the Country's website, www.

[00:16:24] soberinthecountry. org slash resources. Actually, they've just updated their website recently. It might not be that exact link, but go to soberinthecountry. org as a place to start. also reach out to me if I can support you with a listening ear. Again, I'm not a professional in this space, but together we can become aware of your thoughts, feelings, and behavior and take it from there.

[00:16:44] Please don't struggle with one o'clock alone. Because you are not alone. That was the end of my blog post. And so that was in 2022. And not long after I wrote that Shanna Wan from Sober in the Country reached out to me to ask if I'd be a subject in the amplification project. And with some excitement and some, terrified feelings said, yes.

[00:17:06] which led to us doing the filming in 2023 and then the release of my story in early 2024, which as I said, it's been a huge privilege. So since that time, I still have not gone back to drinking. in the last few years I have had, I don't know, maybe three drinks or something.

[00:17:24] And every single time I've drunk it and thought, Oh, I'm not having any more. Like it's every time I've thought. you know, I'll just have another taste and I just don't want to go back to drinking. I don't like how it feels in my body anymore. don't really even like the thought of it.

[00:17:39] it's just not something I want to bring back into my world, which feels great to be able to say that after so long of thinking I'd never be able to give it up. when Shanna was interviewing me for the amplification project, I actually asked her, why did it get so hard in the end to give it away? and she said, which I hadn't really grasped.

[00:18:02] She said because it's an addictive substance and you become more addicted to it. So because at that stage, when I decided to give alcohol away, which was three years post having my last baby, and I was able to drink freely again after so many years of not drinking, it was just slowly becoming more of a problem.

[00:18:24] took me a long time to admit it, took me a long time to admit it to myself and to actually action it. And I'm really glad that I did. I also know how challenging it is to do. So I don't want to go on and on or, preach about this topic because that's not my intention at all. It's just to say it really is a thing, that it can become a problem.

[00:18:50] a way as mums that many of us cope with the stresses. It's definitely glorified, particularly in our Australian culture, dangerously glorified, and it's not always the answer. There's much more healthy, safe, and better ways to look after ourselves and manage our stress. it's an escapism strategy.

[00:19:12] It feels good at the time, but really it's not doing us any good. and again, socially, it's wonderful to be able to go out and have a drink if you can, but if you feel like it's becoming a problem, start with Sober in the Country. other organizations as well. There's lots more support now than there ever has been.

[00:19:29] So please reach out if you need support. Lots of love, and I hope this has been helpful.