Daring To Set Boundaries

Do you ever feel like a doormat? You spend all day pouring out love, time and energy into meeting everyone else’s needs and by the end of the day, you feel like you’ve been walked all over.

Your needs go unnoticed. Your needs don’t matter. It’s no wonder so many of us struggle with feelings of resentment and anger. A lot of the time, it all comes down to a matter of boundaries.

For many women, boundaries is an uncomfortable topic but it’s also a really important one. A huge breakthrough for me in this area was learning that it's not just okay, but vitally important for my well-being to meet my own needs by putting boundaries in place.

Boundaries are lines we draw to protect ourselves and our children, ensuring our physical, emotional, and mental safety. They are meant to protect your time, energy, and what you give away and you are worthy of them. Your worth is inherent and you don't need to prove your worth to anyone. A boundary ensures your needs are met because unmet needs can have serious ramifications.

Physical and Emotional Boundaries

There are physical boundaries we can put in place, but there are also emotional ones that protect us. If you feel like you’re getting beyond your window of tolerance, setting a boundary will help you feel safe and regulate your nervous system.

Your boundaries don’t require anyone’s sign-off. Other people may not understand and it may even challenge them, but you can't take care of someone else's feelings while setting your boundaries.

People-Pleasing and Perfectionism

It can feel uncomfortable to set boundaries, especially for people pleasers or perfectionists. Brene Brown says, "Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves, even when we risk disappointing others." The point of a boundary is to take care of yourself.

Boundaries require practice; they are not walls and they can change. It's about deepening your awareness of what feels good in the moment and continually reevaluating.

Boundaries with your partner: Let’s say your partner wants to discuss business right when you're about to go to bed. You’re tired and not in the right frame of mind. A good boundary could be, "Darling, I know this is important, but can we discuss it in the morning when I'm more alert?"

Boundaries with your children: Kids love to push boundaries and it’s your prerogative to keep those boundaries firm or to be flexible. Whether you choose to stay firm on your boundaries, or go against them, make this a conscious choice.

Boundaries for personal time: Simple things like going to the toilet or taking a shower in peace can be crucial boundaries. Your personal space is important and setting clear boundaries will not only help you, but also model this to your children too. 

Start noticing as you go about your day what you need and when you start to feel pushed beyond your limits. Understanding these sensations will help you recognise when a boundary is necessary.

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Transcript

[00:00:00] Benita: Now I'm wondering if even the mere mention of boundaries sends a tingle up your spine or gives you an uncomfortable feeling in your body. You won't be alone in feeling that. Boundaries is a tricky topic and an uncomfortable one for many of us also a really important one.

[00:00:47] And a topic that I believe we all need to explore more deeply in motherhood, where we get challenged in new and different ways that we've not experienced before. And as our children grow, and as we go through the different stages of motherhood, we're faced with all these new scenarios, new experiences, where boundaries are really important for our health and wellbeing.

[00:01:18] So this episode may challenge you. It may excite you and give you a, a new feeling of possibility in preparing for this podcast episode, I felt like I've been on a rollercoaster of emotions actually, in exploring for myself, what are my boundaries, where do I need to put Down new boundaries and probably the greatest breakthrough for me in preparing for this podcast is knowing that it's okay.

[00:01:55] And it's actually vitally important for my wellbeing to meet my own needs through putting boundaries in place. So if nothing else, I hope that this episode also gives you permission to really believe and embrace that you are worthy of boundaries and have the confidence to step away from this episode and know that you can put down boundaries and If you need my permission until you, are ready to give it to yourself, then I'll loan it to you.

[00:02:43] So, boundaries are something that protects you or your children. A line that we draw to protect ourselves that says this is what I need to do to keep myself safe. Either physically safe, emotionally safe, mentally safe. Uh, there's a quote by Prentice Hemphill that says, boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously.

[00:03:19] And I absolutely love that. And that quote might make more sense as we go through and I share more around this topic. So boundaries are to protect your time, energy, and what you give away. What you need to understand in putting down boundaries is that you are important and you are worthy of boundaries and that your worth is inherent, meaning.

[00:03:49] You are worthy and valuable just because you are here, just because you are alive, just because you are you. You don't need to do anything, prove anything to anyone to prove your worth. You never have to prove your worth to anyone. A boundary is there to ensure that your needs are met. because not meeting our needs has physical ramifications and in some cases has serious health ramifications if we are not meeting our needs for our safety.

[00:04:27] So of course there are physical boundaries that we can put in place but there's also boundaries that protect us. At an emotional level where we are getting beyond our window of tolerance and we need to put down a boundary in order to keep us feeling safe and our nervous system regulated. 

[00:04:49] So boundaries don't need sign off from anyone. And know that others may not understand when you put down a boundary. It also may challenge them when you put down a boundary. I'm going to read this again though. Boundaries don't need sign off from anyone and others may not understand. When you put down a boundary, you can't be taking care of someone else's feelings.

[00:05:25] Wow, I think that is, it sits at the heart of boundary setting. And I'll talk a little, a little more in a moment about people pleasing and why putting down a boundary can feel so uncomfortable for those who are people pleases or perfectionists. It can be deeply uncomfortable to put down a boundary and to honor Because when you put down a boundary, you can't be taking care of someone else's feelings at the same time. Brene Brown says, daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves even when we risk disappointing others. So the point of a boundary is to take care of you.

[00:06:08] Boundaries require practice. but know that they are not walls and they can change. it's about deepening into your awareness of what feels good in the moment and then what feels good in the next moment and the next moment and the next moment. Continually reevaluating what feels good for you. How does it feel in my body?

[00:06:33] Where do I need to put down a boundary? I'll give some examples in a moment, which might help to reflect on this in your own life. So, Brown in her book, Atlas of the Heart, which is just an incredible book. and I'll read this paragraph from her book. She says, The best definition of boundaries still comes from my friend Kelly Ray Roberts.

[00:07:02] Kelly Ray was an oncology social worker who followed her dreams and became a prolific doctor. Globally recognized artist. After experiences with some of her art students copying her work and selling it, she addressed her art community with a very straightforward blog post on what's okay and what's not okay in terms of using her images.

[00:07:25] For example, it's okay to be inspired by her work, but not okay to copy it and sell it. This is a simple but profound way to set boundaries. to set boundaries. As we say in our organization, clear is kind, unclear is unkind. And I love that. So how about taking on that very simple framework around boundaries?

[00:07:52] Simplify it down to, say to yourself, boundaries is simply establishing what's okay and what's not okay for you. I think it's such a, yeah, a simple but impactful process and method that you can use to look at where you already have boundaries in your life, where you may need to put down more boundaries, what, where you may need to shift a boundary, um, using that way of thinking about what's okay and what's not okay.

[00:08:22] And I would encourage you to literally sit down with two pieces of clean paper, clear sheet of paper, put at the top, what's okay on one sheet and what's not okay on the other sheet and just brainstorm around this. Put down on paper what is okay for you and what's not okay for you. And I'm going to hazard a guess that there are things in your life that are not okay that you are currently putting up with, where you might've been afraid to set a boundary, or you may not have felt like it's legitimate in your life or you've been waiting for someone to validate that it's okay to put down that boundary because you feel like your needs are not legitimate enough to put a boundary in place that there are things that you are putting up with that are not okay for you where it might be time to put a boundary down.

[00:09:15] So start to notice where you are stepping outside of your window of tolerance. And not honouring your boundaries through people pleasing. So here's a couple of examples, talking business in the evenings with your partner past the time that you would like to. let's just say your partner wants to bring something up about business right when you're about to go to bed. It's 10 o'clock at night.

[00:09:43] For example, you're tired. You're not in the right frame of mind to have this conversation. And your partner brings something up that he would like to talk about because he hasn't seen you during the day. For example, that may be a place where you need a boundary where you can say, Darling, I know this is important for you to talk to me about and I would like to talk to you about it as well.

[00:10:07] But I'm not in the best headspace right now to give you my full attention around this topic. can we get up at 6. 30 in the morning and have a chat about it then, or can we make a time tomorrow to talk about it or, next Monday when we have a meeting or something like that, where your need in that present moment is to go to bed, because sleep is a physiological need that you have that impacts on your so much of your ability to carry out life in a healthy and productive way.

[00:10:45] So in that moment, your first need is to get to bed as soon as possible. And talking business at that time of night would be people pleasing with your partner. And it's also not honoring your need in that moment. Another example is, allowing your children to keep playing outside or to keep watching tv or to stay in the bath for a longer time then what you know is ideal because it's blowing out your routine and you know in your mind it's making the afternoon in the evening Late, which means the children will get to bed later than they should.

[00:11:29] Uh, it means you will get to bed later than you should. You know, there's things you need, still need to do after you get the children to bed, you're getting tired, uh, and you know that it's going to make everything harder, so it's pushing you past your window of tolerance. I have absolutely done this with my children so many times.

[00:11:53] Okay, you can play in the bath for another five minutes and it blows out to be 10 minutes or 15 minutes because they're having a lovely time. And of course there are times where you will allow it, but what you need to notice is how you feel in your body at that time. If you can feel yourself going against what you actually want and you know that by doing this by pushing your own boundary to the side.

[00:12:23] going past your window of tolerance. If you can feel a discomfort in your body and anger, or you can feel anxiety rising, you know, you are not honoring your boundary. And you are then accepting that you are going to be dealing with those emotions in the next hour. either have a little chat to yourself in that moment and say, Transcribed Okay, Benita, I notice you're feeling anxious, you have a boundary that you are not honoring in this moment.

[00:12:54] Make a conscious decision. If I allow the children to stay in the bath for another five or ten minutes, I choose not to be anxious about this. I choose to accept that if they get to bed ten minutes later, that's okay. I am okay. They are okay. Everything is okay. If I made this decision, what I would suggest you don't do is allow them to stay in the bath 10 minutes longer, feel anxious and angry beneath your skin and let it go on and not address it within yourself.

[00:13:27] Because that is when We are pushed beyond our limits. That is when we react instead of respond. That is when it can turn, anxiety can turn to anger, it can turn into rage and expresses itself that way with our children. And it can lead to that anger guilt cycle. It can lead to resentment. It can, you know, you know, you have experienced, but I'm sure where it feels like it ruins your night because you've not consciously addressed it for yourself.

[00:13:58] I recently put down a boundary in our family that I was not going to have any more family meetings without a facilitator because it's a need of mine to feel emotionally safe because I did not feel safe, in previous meetings that have been held. I could not feel emotionally safe in those meetings.

[00:14:18] So that was a boundary that I've put down. Other examples are being able to go to the toilet and shower privately when the kids reach a certain age. I know when they're babies and toddlers, sometimes those things are very difficult, but I know with my children now they're at an age where I can say, I'm going to the toilet.

[00:14:39] Do not follow me. You will, you do not need me in those two moments. And no one walks in anymore when I'm having a shower. that is a boundary I've put down because the boys are at a certain age where don't, they don't need to need me in that time. Other examples I can think of are.

[00:14:57] leaving any deep conversations with your partner once your children are in bed or until a time where you've got space to think. it's a common thing I hear from the women I coach that their partners, can come home and want to engage in a lot of conversation when you are feeling frazzled in that bath, bed, dinner space, and you feel like all of your energy is being occupied by what needs to be done with your children.

[00:15:29] You're meeting the needs of your children at that time, and probably also your own in terms of if you might be preparing dinner. Now I'm generalizing here. I know some of, for some of you, this your evenings may not look like this. but meeting a need of your own is to say, I can't have this conversation right now.

[00:15:49] I am feeling pulled in so many directions that I cannot give you my attention right now. Sitting down with a cup of tea and not doing anything for your children for that period of time. That's a boundary I put down when our boys were tiny that I feel like was my savior where I didn't express it to anyone until they were old enough to understand.

[00:16:11] But I would set the boundary in my own mind. I'm sitting down for this five minutes with my cup of tea. And, I mean, different if they don't understand. the babies were screaming. but when they were a tiny bit older and I could say to myself, I'm not getting up for anyone in this time. And I still do this.

[00:16:27] I say to our children, this is important for mommy. It's important for mommy to have this break, or it's important for mommy to finish this thing that I'm doing. And I'll be available in five minutes once I'm finished, which is important to teach our children that we have needs. And that we are human and it's important that we meet our needs.

[00:16:48] And, and that actually teaches them a really important lesson. it models to them that their needs are also important because many of the people pleasing behaviors or other behaviors that we pick up. and develop in our childhood come from our needs not being met when we were children. So we want to model to them that their needs are important and we do that by honoring our own needs.

[00:17:17] A boundary I'm going to start to put in place over these holidays is for our children to help more in our home not framed in a way that they're helping mummy. I'm going to frame it in a way that we all live in this house and it's, all of our responsibility to take care of our belonging and to take care of our home.

[00:17:38] so I have been pushed past my window of tolerance recently in terms of, feeling like the other members of my family aren't respecting me in terms of things like putting dishes in the dishwasher, Leaving things out or not tidying up after they've been in a space and I've reached My level of tolerance around this so it's time to put down a boundary Your availability to others is another one a huge one in terms of your schedule Your availability to family friends your work hours when you emails respond to messages You Make phone calls.

[00:18:19] All of those things require boundaries. and a totally up to you as to what feels good for you, but take the time to explore that. What feels good for you? When are you at your best? When does it feel light and easy and good for you to be available to others? And the same applies with turnaround times.

[00:18:41] You don't have to be available to others and respond to emails the minute they come in and those sorts of things. You have The ability to put down boundaries around what's good for you. And I guess it's about communicating what your expectations are and communicating those boundaries so that others understand what they are.

[00:19:03] So why is putting down boundaries so hard? Because we, and I'm not saying this applies to everyone, but it is very common That we have developed people pleasing or perfectionism behaviors in our childhood to keep us feeling safe. Maybe you grew up in a house where there were no boundaries or in a household where your emotions were not validated.

[00:19:37] And therefore you developed a belief that they weren't important or legitimate. very perhaps you relied on someone else to tell you how to feel because perhaps you express needs or feelings at some stage in your childhood that weren't validated. And therefore you started to think, well, someone else knows what's best for me.

[00:19:55] Or perhaps you relied on someone else to tell you how to feel because perhaps you expressed needs or feelings at some your childhood that weren't validated. The only time that you felt safe, when you felt okay, was when you were keeping others happy. And this stuff can be a bit hard to talk about.

[00:20:14] So, perhaps you developed behaviours when you were little, where you felt okay when everyone else was okay. Or you received praise when you were the good girl, or when you were doing the right thing, or when you were achieving, and when you were getting things right. And that felt good. So naturally, as little, as little people, we do more of that.

[00:20:45] And because it feels good to us. So we may not trust our emotions. And it can only, it can be just at this time in our lives when we start to do this exploratory work and this personal development work that we actually learn a lot about ourselves. So that things we've been doing for 30, 40, 50 years that we're only just becoming aware of, and it can be quite confronting.

[00:21:12] So when we're little, we may have developed this way of going about life of if, if they are okay, as in everyone else around me, I am okay. Whereas now we're changing this to If I am okay, I am okay. So boundaries are there to help us feel okay within ourselves and know that it is okay to set them because it's important for you to be okay.

[00:21:47] Often what we want, desire, deserve and yearn for doesn't come unless we advocate for ourselves and or create it. So what are you hoping to receive? And what permission are you seeking? Our boundaries, our systems, our supports need to be strong in order to create and protect our space and energy to thrive in motherhood, to thrive in life, to thrive in business, to thrive in all areas of our I'd like to invite you to think about what are some specific actions that you can take to improve your boundaries. Start to notice as you go about your day what it is that you need. Start to notice the sensations in your body when you can start to feel that anxiousness arising or anger arising or anxiety arising or that creepy crawly feeling under your skin when you recognize that as I'm getting pushed beyond when you feel you might be getting walked over or you feel like your needs are just being totally disregarded if you sometimes when you maybe when you're feeling visible as well start to think about what is okay for you and what is not okay for you those will be your guidelines.

[00:23:08] And I feel like I want to say this a million times and hope, and I hope that you hear it in your soul that your needs are important. You are important. And it is so important to your health and wellbeing, so important for your connection to the people in your life that you honor your boundaries. Brene Brown says, Boundaries are a prerequisite for compassion and empathy.

[00:23:39] We can't connect with someone unless we're clear about where we end and they begin. If there's no autonomy between people, then there's no compassion or empathy, just enmeshment. I think that's just so powerful. clear is kind. that is so important for our children, it's so important for our partners, all of the people that we interact with.

[00:24:06] That they know where, We end and they begin because often our children for many years in early childhood feel like they're an extension of us and we can think of them as an extension of us where, where they are actually separate beings. We are separate beings and those boundaries between us are important.

[00:24:26] So there's lots to unpack around this topic. it can feel really uncomfortable, but it's also empowering. So reach out if there's anything you'd like to explore further about this and I look forward to hearing what boundaries you have put down as a result of thinking about this stuff.

[00:24:45] Okay. Lots of love. Bye bye.