My Experience With Antidepressants

Life comes with its fair share of ups and downs, but there are moments when the downs can feel overwhelming - insurmountable even. 

Personally, I’ve had a few episodes of poor mental health in my lifetime - patches of anxiety and depression that I’ve learnt how to manage. However, in 2022, I got to my lowest point with it, even experiencing symptoms of psychosis. 

When I first considered going on antidepressants during this time, it felt like a big, daunting step. And though I would encourage anyone else in my life to not feel shame, the idea of going on antidepressants still made me nervous.

Today, I want to shine a light on this topic so that anyone feeling shame around taking medication can begin to shed that feeling and know they’re not alone.

I’m sharing my personal experience with antidepressants, both while taking them and after deciding to come off the medication.

While on antidepressants, I actually found that I could begin to reclaim parts of my life that had felt lost to depression. I had more energy, more clarity and slowly but surely, more hope.

Yet, as effective as they were, I always knew that I didn’t want to be on medication forever if I could help it. After a period of stability and having learnt tools to manage my mental health, I decided to come off the antidepressants completely, without tapering the dose.

It’s been intense: agitation, fatigue, difficulty sleeping - and a lot of crying. I’ve even gotten to the point of being unable to parent. Yet, I have hope. My research shows these are common symptoms, and I’m looking forward to the light at the end of the tunnel.

Of course, there are times I question myself: What if my symptoms return? What if I’m unable to cope?

I may go back on them, and I know that’s totally okay. If you are currently on antidepressants, know that you are not alone. There’s no shame in taking medication, whether it’s for a short period or for the rest of your life. Each person’s experience with mental health is unique, and so too are the tools they use to navigate it.

I hope that sharing my experience can offer some insight and comfort if you are struggling. I know that as we continue to support one another and share our stories, we can together dismantle the stigmas and shame surrounding mental health.

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Transcript

 [00:00:00] 

Benita: Hello and welcome back to the show. I'm your host, Benita Bench. And as always, I'm very grateful that you've chosen to join me for another episode. Now I, uh, have been away a lot lately and I'm going away again from tomorrow. Today is Saturday, the 27th of July, and I knew that I needed to record a couple of episodes.

I have this list of topics that to choose from because ideas for podcast episodes come to me all the time and I keep a list of them in the notes on my phone. But what I decided I'm going to share is what I'm going through currently and in the last two weeks, which is [00:01:00] withdrawing from. the antidepressant medication I have been on for the last 28 months.

And I thought, why sit here and record an episode and pretend that that's not happening for me? and try to make the episode sound as polished and as amazing as possible when in fact I actually don't feel that great. And I thought what an opportunity to be vulnerable with you and to shine a light on this topic.

And whilst my work and this podcast centers around helping you to understand who you really are and to embrace your gifts, part of that is our mental, emotional, and physical wellbeing. And this topic, I think is really important because I know a lot of women in my life who take antidepressant medication.

[00:02:00] And I think though that there is still a lot of shame associated with it. And I have certainly felt shame relating to it. And it's not something I've shared much about. I'm very open about it if someone asks me, and certainly the people close to me. know that I have taken antidepressant medication and, in the past, but shame thrives on secrecy, silence, and judgment.

That's a quote by Brene Brown. And the antidote to that is empathy. So in order to feel empathy, we have to be able to share and to shine a light on these topics to share our stories so that they feel less shameful to us so we feel less ashamed and shame's an awful feeling. It's, we hide away, we don't share because we don't want to feel shame.

We push it to the side. We like to, it's, it's like something that lives in dark places. So I have this image in my mind as I'm [00:03:00] talking to you of like opening a cupboard, a dark cupboard and shining a torch in there. And this is one of those topics that is a shameful topic for many. Thankfully, I think. It is more commonly talked about.

I think we are making progress talking about these sorts of topics that were in the past taboo. And it's really common. It's, it's a really common thing. since I have been experiencing my story with antidepressants, and as I've opened up to people about it, I've learned that There's a lot of people who take them and that is, and it's totally okay.

So I'm going to start with what's going on for me now. And then I'm going to go back to the beginning of my story and why I started taking antidepressants. I thought this might be an opportunity to share the full story with you. so as I said, today's Saturday the 27th of July. I can't remember the exact day I stopped my last [00:04:00] tablet, but I'm, when I looked at my calendar and worked backwards, I think it's 12 days ago now.

I didn't experience any withdrawal symptoms for the first two to three days, but it was about three or four days in that I started to experience some symptoms. I'm going to give you some more detail about the actual, drug I was taking and the dosage and things in a moment. so the symptoms that I'm experiencing, or have been experiencing for about the last 9 10 days, and still am, are agitation, fatigue, difficulty sleeping, so having trouble getting to sleep and then waking up multiple times a night and then having trouble falling back asleep, having vivid dreams, many of them which are not pleasant, and multiple dreams a night, whereas usually I might have I might have one dream very early in the morning if I wake up and [00:05:00] then go back to sleep for a few more minutes.

That's usually when I dream and I might only have one a night or none. But I've been having many dreams that are quite disturbing. Dizziness, I've also been experiencing, I was calling them brain zaps. And then I started googling and found that that's actually what they're called.

Which feels like It's very difficult to describe but it's like a, a spark in my brain going off and it's not like an electric shock that runs through your body like if you get hit by an electric fence. It's not a full body experience, it's just a feeling in my brain that's, it's not really painful but it's just unsettling.

also forgetfulness, confusion, brain fog. and a lot of crying. I've been on the verge of tears for the past 10 days and, cried more in the last 10 days than I think I have in the last two years, which I have to tell you is actually a relief because that was something that I felt when I was on my medication, that it was harder [00:06:00] for me to cry and to feel my emotions as intensely as I would when not taking the medication.

So Whilst I've been, it's been challenging getting through some client calls and different things without crying. Um, it's kind of been refreshing to be honest. So those are the symptoms that I'm experiencing. Now, I have learned since doing some more research and going to see my doctor that These symptoms are normal.

Some of them are more common than others, but they're, they're all in the normal range, which is comforting. I went off my medication suddenly without tapering the dose because I saw my GP a while ago, maybe a couple of months ago and, for something else. And I did express to her at that time that I was thinking about stopping my antidepressants and And because I was on, so I was on Lexan, which is, the active ingredient is [00:07:00] escaladopramoxalate.

And I was on a 10 milligram dose, which is quite a low dose. And when I spoke to my GP about stopping, she did say, you would probably be fine. to go cold turkey because the dosage was low. She said you could taper it off if you wanted to. That would also be a good strategy, but you should be okay to stop it suddenly.

Now, me being me thinking, well, I'll be fine. I'll just, you know, I'll just stop it when I finish this last pack. stopped it suddenly without tapering off. And I really regret it now. now I can't remember what my DP said to me word for word in that appointment, but I'm fairly certain it was made clear that I would be fine if I did stop it suddenly.

But I really wish now that I understood the side effects of stopping suddenly, because what I've experienced in the last 10 days has really been. quite difficult, unpleasant to the point where I've not even been able to parent. The last two nights I have had to be in bed by [00:08:00] seven, eight o'clock lying down at the point of can't do anything further.

And, thankfully Adam has been home the last few nights and able to take over because I've not even cooked dinner or done anything. and I've just said to him, I've just got to go and lie down. I can't do anything. So I had no idea it would affect me in this way. I did see my GP this week.

And as I said, she confirmed and affirmed that all of these symptoms are normal and that they will subside. So I'm kind of in this riding it out period. I've taken panadol and norepinephrine a few times just with, headache and, um, because I'm not sleeping well, my eyes are a bit sore and I've had to do a few little mini naps here and there to get through the week while also working and mothering.

so I've sort of muddled my way through it and I'm hopeful that things should start to subside. But what I've read online, it says sort of one to two weeks is the worst, but she did say it could take up to six weeks. So. I am [00:09:00] praying that the symptoms settle a little bit and don't take six weeks at this level of intensity because it is, quite awful to be honest.

Now I just want to start off by sharing a little bit from the, consumer medicine information summary that comes with. the medication. So there's different names for different that have the same active ingredient. Lexapro, I might've also taken, but they all belong to a group of medicines called selective serotonin reductase.

Reuptake inhibitors or SSRIs. So you may be on an antidepressant or may have been thinking about it or know someone who is, and not all antidepressants are created equal. They have different active ingredients and they have different names. They have different dosages. They all do different things. The one I was on.

it says in the leaflet, SSRIs are thought to work by their actions on brain chemicals [00:10:00] called amines, which are involved in controlling mood. It goes on to say Lexam is used to treat depression. Depression is longer lasting or more severe than the low moods everyone has from time to time due to the stress of everyday life.

It is thought to be caused by a chemical imbalance in parts of the brain. This imbalance affects your whole body and can cause emotional and physical symptoms such as feeling low in spirit, loss of interest in activities, being unable to enjoy life, poor appetite or overeating, disturbed sleep, often waking up early, loss of sex drive, lack of energy and feeling guilty over nothing.

Lexan corrects this chemical imbalance and may help relieve the symptoms of depression. Lexan may also be used to treat patients who may avoid and or are fearful of social situations. Lexan may also be used to treat patients who have excessive anxiety and worry. Lexan may also be used to treat irrational fears or obsessional behavior, so obsessive compulsive disorder.[00:11:00] 

Obsessive compulsive disorder involves having both obsessions and compulsions. Lexan Obsessions are unwanted thoughts that occur over and over again. Compulsions are the ongoing need to repeat, certain actions as a result of these thoughts. Your doctor, however, may prescribe it for another purpose.

So I just wanted to explain. what Lexam is and it's active and how it, works, not because I'm advertising Lexam. and I'm absolutely not medically trained. So this is in no way, shape, or form medical advice or anything related to medical advice This is simply me sharing my story and my experience.

and obviously speak to your GP or someone else if this is a topic you want to talk about. So I started Lexam in March 2022. So two years and four months ago, 28 months ago, and I was quite surprised when I actually added that up and thought, wow, I've been on it for quite a while. [00:12:00] I actually didn't know if I would ever go off it.

because it has been a positive experience for me to be on the medication. Um, it has had a few unwanted side effects for me. Firstly, with, my sex drive, I would say has been affected, as in a lower sex drive and not feeling like myself during intimacy as much. That has been a downside. Also, weight gain, though, I can't really say if that the weight gain is attributed to LexGamma, mainly around my middle, around my midsection.

I'm obviously also in my early forties. It could be related to perimenopause. stress, overeating, who knows, a combination of things probably. I'm curious to know whether my weight will change now that I've stopped taking the medication. But weight gain is not listed as a side effect of Lexem.

So it's quite possibly not been the reason for gaining some weight. I also experienced [00:13:00] blunting of emotions. So some people don't go on antidepressants because they're worried about, they won't feel their feelings anymore. And I assure you, for me, that was not the case. I definitely still felt my feelings.

It just took the intensity out of them a little bit. So. It just takes the edge off in terms of, if you think about peaks and troughs, it just took the peak off the peaks a little bit and the lows weren't as low, while I have been taking it.

So, Overall, it's been a really positive thing in my life. I would say I've been able to just let things flow and roll a bit more easily than previous to being on the medication. I started it in March 2022 because I was, experiencing a period of very poor mental health. I was experiencing mental illness, anxiety, depression, and also some symptoms of psychosis at that time.

I was in a great deal of distress and that had been going on [00:14:00] for, about seven months, the buildup to starting on Lexan. It took about four weeks for the medication to work when I started it. And I was praying for it to kick in because I was, I was in a really rough place. I actually still have a list of all of the symptoms or things I was experiencing at that time, like mental, emotionally and physically, and it was probably the worst patch of mental health I've ever been in.

I've had a few episodes of. Poor mental health throughout my lifetime. But that was, that was certainly the worst. And I had been resisting going on antidepressants for a long time. Anxiety and depression, as I just said, had been, I had had patches of those things and certainly, manage anxiety, probably not, not really depression, but anxiety is something I manage all the time.

I need to take care of myself very well because I can have a [00:15:00] tendency towards anxiety. So I knew for many years that medication could be a good thing and I resisted it because I felt like maybe it was failing, um, because I felt shame. Maybe I felt like I don't need that. I can do this myself.

There was a lot of fear, fear about gaining weight, fear about not being able to feel my emotions, fear about being a different person, fear of becoming someone who was just like a really boring version of myself, lots of fears. And thankfully it turned out that I didn't need to worry so much.

And even though I had told friends and people I loved that there's no shame in taking antidepressants or taking medication. It seemed like the same rules didn't apply for myself. I was, I was resisting it. So when I did start it, it actually felt like a relief. Because at that point I knew I [00:16:00] needed some help in some way.

And it was just like, Oh, thank goodness. You know, here's another tool in my toolbox that will help me. As I said, I didn't know if I would ever actually stop Lexam, or whether I would keep going with it because of the positive side of it for me. however, In the past, well there's been a lot of changes in my life in the past 18 months, two years, and I have gained a great deal more awareness about myself and how I tick and who I am and think I've lived out of alignment for a good part of my life.

I'm now starting to see the real me and what the real me actually needs in order to thrive. and what I don't need in my life and how, how I need to best operate to serve my true self. I've also got a great support network of therapists, [00:17:00] people who work in healing, naturopath. different research and studies and courses I've done.

I just feel like I understand myself so much better and I'm in a good place. So that's why I spoke to my GP about, well, maybe I, maybe I should give it a go of not being on this medication anymore. I don't feel as though. I need it anymore. And although I was also scared to go off it, I still am.

I still do feel a bit scared of, Oh my gosh, you know, I'm feeling this way in the last two weeks. And it is reported that some people, while they're going through the discontinuation syndrome, it's called, or through the withdrawal period, they do go back on it. Because if I started again, I would have instant relief from these symptoms.

Which is what my understanding is. So, I can see why people would choose to start again very quickly. Uh, there also is a risk when you're going through withdrawal that you can have quite, serious, uh, [00:18:00] suicidal thoughts or be plummeted into severe anxiety and depression.

my anxiety has definitely been at a peak since stopping the medication, but I can feel, the difference between what's normal for me and what is heightened as a result of my brain getting used to not having the medication working in the way that it has for the last few years. So I guess I feel like I made an informed choice and I hope that I, have made a good choice.

What I am telling myself is that I can always start the medication again if that does turn out to be the best option and that there's no shame in that. And that's okay. We take medication for lots of different things in our life and we need to gather lots of different tools and strategies in order to manage [00:19:00] ourselves in the best way to be the best version of ourselves.

And antidepressants can just be another tool in the toolbox for any of us. And whilst I think I will feel glad to not be on the medication, um, I also know now that if I need to go back on it, then that's totally okay. And that if anyone listening is on antidepressants and does take them forever, then that is also okay.

And I think we all just need to tune in what is for what is best for us. I hope that sharing this story is supportive for you in some way, or for perhaps someone in your world, and that it may just give you a little, a greater understanding of what it's, what it's like. And if someone is considering starting or stopping antidepressants, or if they are in the middle of taking them, that empathy goes a long way.[00:20:00] 

wanting to try to understand someone else's and stand in their shoes. I think asking questions and being curious is always the best way to approach when you're not sure how to approach it or how to approach a discussion with someone about it. I think we all have what we feel like are very helpful stories.

that someone in our lives has told us or, you know, Oh yeah, I've got lots of friends who take that or this happened to this person, which we only ever offer in good spirits and in good, good nature. But there are lots of different types of Um, there's of different types of antidepressants and dosages, and they all act in different ways.

So Apples aren't apples. Is that the expression? it's not all the same. So you are supporting someone or thinking about it for yourself, you need to get individual advice and be your own advocate and do your own research as well to embark on that journey. [00:21:00] I'll leave it there.

I hope that's been helpful. Sending you lots of love, please reach out with any questions. I'm an open book and very happy to share with you. Okay. Bye.