49. What I'm Learning Raising Boys

I was asked recently what it's like raising four boys. It definitely got me thinking.

They’re about to celebrate their birthdays in the next six weeks – the twins will turn nine, our eldest is almost 11, and our youngest will be seven. And while there’s a bit of rough-and-tumble going on that usually comes with the territory, raising sons has been an eye-opening experience and completely different to what I expected. 

Today, I’m sharing the lessons I’ve learnt, ways I’ve adapted to the unexpected and what I hope to be instilling in my boys as they grow.

I'll take you through my experiences of: 

 - Releasing expectations

- Nurturing individuality

- Understanding physical play

- The power of attention

- Awareness of body image

- The need for good role models

- Fostering emotional language

- Challenging gender norms

These lessons really just skim the surface. I’m not perfect, and I don’t have all the answers. But I'm continuously learning, and eager to hear from you too. What are your experiences? Please drop me a message or an email – I’d love to discuss the incredible journey of raising boys with you!

Facebook Group: Support for Women in Family Farming: Succession & Other Challenges

Find free printable affirmations and affirmation phone wallpaper graphics from RESOURCES at www.benitabensch.com

Let’s meet: Book a discovery call with me

Subscribe: Join my mailing list

Website: http://www.benitabensch.com

Freebie: Affirmation Email Series

Instagram: http://www.instagram.com/benitabensch

Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/benitabensch

Transcript

 [00:00:00] 

Benita: Hello, and welcome back for episode 49 of me plus motherhood. Thank you for joining me today. I'm going to be talking about what I'm learning, raising boys. If you don't already know from listening to my past episodes or what you know of me already, we have four sons. They're about to all have their birthdays in the next six weeks and they're turning seven, nine.

Our twins in the middle are turning nine and our eldest is turning 11. And I had someone reach out to me and suggest this topic. So I've got 10 points I want to share about what I'm learning raising boys. And I hope that they are insightful for you. Perhaps you're raising boys as well, or perhaps you have a loved one who is, [00:01:00] and you just want to hear a little bit about what it's like.

Before we get into the episode. I just want to reflect a little bit about the fact that this is the 49th episode of this podcast. When I started it, 

I thought 50 episodes felt like Almost an impossible achievement, like something that was just so far off in the distance, so big to me that it would be something I may not achieve, or that would take a lot of effort and a lot of time to get there and maybe a goal that only other people might achieve.

Looking back now, it feels like it's gone in the blink of an eye. And I think it's testament to consistency and persistence. No matter what the thing is you're wanting to achieve, when you just keep showing up, taking baby steps. Even when it's not perfect. And it certainly has not been perfect in [00:02:00] this podcast.

Sometimes the audio quality is not great. Sometimes I feel like I don't nail the content. Sometimes I've wondered if it's given value. probably there's some episodes I'd look back on and think, Oh gosh, what did I say? Or I'm not really too proud of that. But when you're just getting out there, getting in the arena, showing up, putting it out there, it is amazing what you can achieve slowly, but surely.

And I'm really proud that the next episode will be the 50th one. I've got lots of people to thank for that, um, and I won't do that now. But in leading up to that episode, really thinking about what it's taken to get there. I'm going to take a podcasting pause after episode 50, so that I have some time to regroup and also to dedicate some more time and space to writing my next book, which is Won't surprise you to know that it's about motherhood.

It's about the [00:03:00] contrast of motherhood, the dark and the light, the polarity of motherhood, the ambivalence of motherhood, how we can hold two feelings at once, how it is such a journey of highs, lows, joys, darkness, and me sharing some of my stories around that. Some of my client's stories and sharing what I've learned along the way.

So excited to dive more into that and need to carve the space in my schedule in order to achieve that. So Episode 50 will be the last one for a little while. I'm not sure how long yet. But I will keep you posted. So before I get into talking about raising boys, I'm going to do my top five for this fortnight.

What I'm reading is Anthony Field's book called Out of the Blue. He's the Blue Wiggle. I've only just started this book. I've got it, borrowed it from the library. Uh, I love reading biographies. And I thought that his story would [00:04:00] be an interesting one. I know that he has had lots of challenges with mental illness.

And it sort of gives this book, apparently, will give a bit of a behind the scenes look into what it's taken to create the Wiggles. How he has stayed anchored to his why and beyond him and the original group of Wiggles how the people that have continued to come in they are all still strongly anchored by this why that they have and I'm just keen to know like what have been the wins and challenges for that incredibly successful international act which is the Wiggles and How what they do is rooted in early education principles and bringing joy to children.

So I think it's pretty special. So I'm excited to dive into that. I'm still listening to The Gap and the Gain audiobook, but I'm also had a few podcast episodes I've listened to in the past fortnight, which I've loved. One of them is Oprah's interview with Mel Robbins about her new book, Them Theory.

Amazing [00:05:00] interview, amazing book, amazing concept. And suggest you go and look it up if you haven't already. And also, I listened to a called ADHD Mums by Jane McFadden. And she put out a recent episode about helping your partner to understand ADHD. So if you are an ADHD mum, and your partner still isn't really on board, or they don't understand, they don't know how to help you, they're still kind of feeling like, oh, I don't even know what this ADHD is, is she making it up?

What does it even mean for our family? I can't deal with this, I'm overwhelmed. there's a great podcast episode. Um, I've been working on this episode recently and I'll just have a little look for the episode number, which might help you Episode 58 28th of January was excellent.

Now what I'm. Watching. At the moment, I have started watching this series on Disney Plus about the [00:06:00] Boxing Day tsunami in the Indian Ocean and, it is quite horrifying to watch. I have a fascination with natural disasters, even though it disturbs me and I'm such an empath and I find it hard to watch, but yet I can't stop watching it.

And I, don't know why, but I always want to understand what does it feel like to be in someone's shoes to go through something like that? How did they get through it? How did they find the strength to endure, to survive, or move through the grief of losing so many loved ones? How do you get through that?

And what were the events that unfolded? I'm loving focusing a little bit more on writing my book. I am part of the expert author community as of last week, and it's, amazing to go into a space with other nonfiction authors. Although later in life, I'd like to delve more into fiction and even children's books at [00:07:00] the moment.

My next book is a nonfiction works. it's incredible to connect with people who are in the same space and have the same goal and to learn more about structuring a book and also the publishing pathways. If you are wanting to publish a book with a traditional publisher, it seems like a great community to be a part of.

What I'm not loving About living in Victoria is daylight savings. I'm finding it really challenging to get a good routine in the afternoon in the evening with our kids and get them to bed at a reasonable hour and to have any space for me between getting the kids to bed and my bedtime. That just doesn't, it just seems to have disappeared down here because we stay outside till later.

The kids are getting to bed a little bit later and then even waking up at 6 a. m. It's dark in the morning. That does not happen in Queensland. So I mean in the middle of winter it does but not at this time of year. So certainly getting used to that. Okay, let's get into [00:08:00] what I'm learning about raising boys.

The first point is and probably the most challenging is releasing my expectations. Of what it means to have boys, and the pictures in my mind that I held of what sons could look like, might look like, what our life would look like, and what it would be like. The reality is far removed from my expectations.

And it's a great lesson in not having expectations, because the difference between expectations and reality creates stress, undue stress. And although I'd love to say that we shouldn't have expectations, we do hold pictures in our minds based on subconscious programming and our conditioning, which [00:09:00] comes from our early childhood.

It comes from what we read, how we grew up, the environments we were raised in, the people who've influenced our lives, all of what we consume. All of what we're bombarded with, even if we don't actively consume it, we have expectations of how things will look and how things will be. And when we had four little boys, and when our four beautiful little boys were born, I somehow had a picture in my mind that we would have these It's four rough and tumble farm little rugrats that we would be carting to football every Saturday.

And that would be our life, motorbikes, horses, farming, machinery, football. I don't know where exactly I got that, exact picture. probably a lifetime of growing up in rural Australia and that being. a typical environment to [00:10:00] be in. I didn't sit down one day and say, when I have boys, I want them to be like this.

It's just the rules I had in my mind, I think. What we have in reality is very different to that. I'm not saying our boys don't like farming or that they don't like football, but we have four very different boys with very different interests and I don't like to label them as academic or sporty or musical or creative because they are all little bits of each of those things.

But we will have, I think, as the years go on and what I'm seeing now, we, we might have a little bit of football, but not all of them are going to play football. We might have a bit of farming but by the looks of it, can't see that maybe a couple of our boys are that interested and that's totally OK.

instead they have other beautiful gifts and other beautiful interests. Different personalities, different strengths that I'd like to [00:11:00] nurture.

It has been uncomfortable. It is, I have some shame in admitting that that was the picture I held of what it would be like to have boys and that at times I have struggled with, gosh, this is so different to what I thought it would be like because we have these little individuals that are so different to what I thought having boys would be like, and I don't want to make any predictions about who they will become or what they'll be interested in, but it's for sure that we're not going to have four football playing farming kids.

And I repeat that that is 100 percent okay. It's just different to what this early motherhood picture I'd painted in my mind of what it would be like. And that, you know, you would joke about when people would say, Oh, you've got four boys, you're going to have a rugby team. Oh, you're just going to be going to football all the time, or you'll be at sport all the time.

So it's been an interesting journey to [00:12:00] release those expectations and adjust that picture and and be open for anything. Because I think nurturing their individuality, and this takes me to point number two, that our boys are so individual. They do have different, interests, strengths, and physiques, and emotional capacity and ways of moving through the world that my goal as a mum is to help them express their individual unique potential and to nurture whatever it is that they want to bring to life whether that is Music, art, sport, the information technology world, business, writing, philanthropy, not for profit, [00:13:00] whatever it is, what feels good for them. What they love doing, what they're good at, what they enjoy, is what I want to nurture. Number three is, what I'm learning about raising boys, is that I will never, ever, understand wrestling or the physicality of being a boy.

I don't understand it. I don't think I have a will and that is okay, but I see how integral it is to their development, to the way they play, to the way they show affection, the way they interact. And my husband, Adam, like our boys love nothing more when Adam wrestles with them. now that they're getting bigger and they've had big growth spurts in the last six months, they're all going to be tall kids.

Adam's six foot three and our boys are. I'd say are all going to be six foot or more and they are starting to hold their own when they're wrestling him. All four of them get on top of him and he's having trouble getting out of there now. So it's quite funny. And [00:14:00] I've got videos of over the years of them wrestling.

I just stand back and go, no, not something I want to be a part of. I have tried wrestling them a few times, I will say, and, uh, no, it's not my thing. It's not, it's not enjoyable. I'm more of a hugger than a wrestler. Number four is that my attention is so precious to my boys and I often feel like I'm getting pulled in.

so many directions, my energy, my focus, because their desire to have a piece of my attention is so strong and means so much to them more than anything else. And as a mother who wants to give them my all, this is pretty challenging. Hey, like to, to retain some capacity for yourself and for the other things in your life, give each of them the attention that they Um, inverted commas, [00:15:00] deserve, individually and as a group.

And I find that as a, with four of them, that sometimes I can develop a bit of a herd mentality and kind of herd them around like cows, like, come on boys, let's do this boys. And there's a lot of like, boys come here or do this or do that or get in the car. And so that individual attention. is really important, being deliberate about it, trying to fit it into a day that I offer them my individual attention when I can, and also coming back to my second point, being able to put the attention and nurture with what's important to them, knowing what's important to that individual one and how can I pay due attention to what it is that's important and hanging around for them at the time.

So [00:16:00] that's interesting. It's an interesting one. I never feel like I've got it nailed, probably never will because of course they are very different in their needs, in their how much and when they want my attention 

So it's a work in progress. I have a client, um, who has a 15 year old now and I asked her, do you feel like you, even when they get to that age that you can ever give them the attention they want? And she said, no, the more you give them, the more they want. So that made me think, okay, this is not something that I'm ever going to kind of achieve or solve.

So it's just, put it in the basket of, I'll just do the best I can to give my boys the attention, that they want and need from me whenever I can best give it. I try my best to not feel [00:17:00] like, okay, well, to rephrase that, I can sometimes feel like it's never enough. And I have to be careful that I don't live in that place of I'm not giving them enough.

and instead be kind with myself to say, I'm doing the best I can. Number five is movement in the morning is gold. Uh, I think this applies for all humans, not just boys, and a lot of what I'll share, I don't know that it's necessarily specific to boys. I don't have any girls, so I don't really know.

but I'm gonna say that if I can get my boys out first thing in the morning to move their bodies, before they start doing whatever else that they want to do, it makes a big difference. And I shared in my last episode about the difference it makes for me. I'm sure that it's the same for all human beings.

If we can get out in the fresh air and the sunshine or the early morning light, move our bodies, get those good hormones pumping. There's nothing like it. And I know ever [00:18:00] since the boys were babies. If I can get out the door and get them outside, which when they were little was very, very difficult most days a nightmare to get out by a reasonable hour before it got too hot, particularly in Queensland, that everything is better, including me.

Number six is that I'm noticing particularly now the boys are coming to the age they're at in grades. 1, 3, and 5, now that we're, our boys are actually attending school in New South Wales. So we are redoing the same year level as we were in Queensland. so coming up to age 7, 9, and 11, they do think about body image, and there is pressure around that.

I hear my boys joking about abs, and I don't know whether they get that. I mean, probably from movies, probably from, YouTube, or what, they hear from their friends. I try to be very careful about what they are doing online or what they see. And actually we don't use YouTube in this house anymore because last [00:19:00] year they were watching stuff and I feel like it was taking them down a bad path.

 so we've banned that, but I'm not sure exactly where they get it from, but they talk about things like abs. And. I've got a six pack or I've got an eight pack or, and they're noticing with me because of when I'm focused on my body and. releasing some weight, improving my health, they start to talk about their bodies and like, oh, mom, I'm fat or which, oh my gosh, when they say that, I might, I just want to put my head in my hands and cry.

My nine year old boy saying he's fat. I don't use the word fat. I'm wanting to speak more about health, nutrition, taking care of my health and wellbeing, being strong, fit and healthy, having a strong body. Uh, but somewhere along the line. they do worry about that, wanting to have muscles, wanting to have abs, wanting to be good at sport because the sporty kids are popular, things like that are what they say.

And so they do feel that pressure. I'm very conscious of it. It concerns me as a parent [00:20:00] and I will do my best to focus our attention in this family around strong, fit and healthy and around movement and good eating choices, not so much about. just to help create healthy body image. And I'm not a guru in this space whatsoever.

I'm learning as I go, but it's something that I've noticed. number seven is that good role models are important. Again, this doesn't just apply to boys, but I notice as they are getting to the ages, they are that they are paying more attention. To the people in their life, and I notice when a good role model comes into their life, like one of my son's new teachers this year is having quite an impact on him already only.

What are they? They're into their seventh day of school and he comes home and says, Mr. X says this and says that. And I think I can just see already the influence he's having on my son and how it's a really positive influence. It's so good. [00:21:00] Um, some of the things he's saying that he, or that he's relaying back to me.

And I love that. And my 11 year old is looking for those role models. Who can I look up to? Who can I trust? Who can I talk to? Who is someone that I want to model my kid to? way of life around. Number eight is don't know if I'm learning it for them or I'm learning it through my inner work and I'm wanting to impart it on them and that's that it's important that they understand feelings and our boys are very sensitive and curious.

Little creatures. well, curiosity is one of my personal values, and I would say Adam and I are both curious people. We like to ask questions. Uh, I think that's probably rubbed off on our boys, but also this sensitivity bit of, Again, perhaps I foster this because I like to talk about feelings and I like to hold space for my boys and give them the [00:22:00] space to talk about how they're feeling and what's going on for them.

It's not perfect. It absolutely isn't. please don't think that any of this is like, the golden rule or I'm getting it all right because I'm totally not, but I'm doing my best. Um, I just think it's important given some of the men I have come across, older men that don't know how to express feelings, identify feelings, probably couldn't even tell you how they're feeling if you ask them.

I think it's important that boys have language for feelings and that they can identify how they're feeling and how to communicate that. both for their, their way of going through life and for their relationships that they're going to have with people now and in the future. Just to give them that tool kit.

 Number nine is that any talk about poos and farts is very funny and [00:23:00] has been since day dot and probably will continue to always be. And I again, reach a bit of a limit of understanding. of really getting this as a mom and as a woman. I'm like, okay, yes, this is funny, but is it still funny? 10 minutes later, is it still funny tomorrow?

Yes, it is. Okay. I definitely talk about poos or have done a lot in the last 10 years. I hear Maggie Dent talks about, you know, having a joke with your boys and cause she's a mom of, mom of boys, having a joke about poos and farts. So I have learned to just. And I'm not a prude at all, like, these things were definitely, talked about in our household when I was a kid as well, but, there does come a time sometimes where I'm like, okay, that's enough, that's enough, but it is funny, apparently, to talk about these things.

Pretty much all the time. And number 10, interestingly, I have learned from raising boys that they pick up on stereotypes and gender roles [00:24:00] even without me being aware or teaching anything around that. I have had instances where The boys will say if, for example, if I share with them that something I'm, I'm going to do, like I'm going to do a course or I'm going to go, um, run a retreat or I'm enrolling in this, or I want to do this.

Even last night I was telling one of my boys about, um, apparently there's a choir, adult choir at the new school the boys are going to. And the deputy principal said to me yesterday, Oh, you should join the choir. Cause if you've listened to my previous episodes, I love to sing. And I said, Oh, that'd be great.

I came home, told the boys and he sort of looked at me like. But mum, you can't do that. Like you've got to be here with us. And maybe part of that is a bit of a separation anxiety thing, but it's not the first time it's happened that they have responded in that way that, Oh, but you know, you need to be here with us.

You're the mum. Or this is something that [00:25:00] you do mum. This is just what a mum does. And I have to, I'm really deliberate in having a role to play around. No, I am a woman. Yes, you are my children. I am a mother, but that does not mean that all mums have to do all these things all the time. And, yes, I have a role to play in our home, and I have a role to play as mothering you, but that doesn't mean that mommy can't go and do these other things.

It doesn't mean that mommy can't work in the paddock or because lots of mums do things that maybe you boys think a mum shouldn't do and just trying to educate them that mums can do anything and housework and taking care of kids aren't the only things that they do or if it is a That that is what they do, then that is their choice.

That there is lots of choices and I think it probably comes from probably more [00:26:00] conservative, living in the country, rural Australia. there is a lot of traditional gender roles, I would say. So it's Just inadvertently picked up and I've had a few Mother's Day things at school with the boys where I've seen them on their little video when they say oh What when the teacher asked them?

What does mom do they say? Oh mom does the cooking or what's mom love to do mom loves to be in the kitchen And I think, how have they missed all of the other stuff that I do? How have they missed that? Why is, and maybe it's just their realm of understanding their realm. And that was, you know, several years ago, but It has irked me at times, like, why do they not see me as something more? To them, I'm their, I'm their mum and maybe it only happens as they get older. I guess the point I'm trying to make is that it's interesting what our little people pick up and that we can play a role in helping to shape their perception of things, [00:27:00] just by chatting to them or educating them and everyone will have a different view on this, of course, you might, you might have a different view to what I do and, and that's totally okay.

But I think whatever our view is, it's helping them to, to understand that there are choices and that there are differences. So that's my 10 things about what I'm learning raising boys. There's probably so many more, but those were the first 10 that jumped out at me. I'm keen to know what your lessons are.

Let me know. I'd really, honestly, I'd love to know. Send me a DM via Instagram. My handle is at Benita Bench on Instagram and Facebook. Send me an email, benita at benitabench. com. Leave me a review. I would just be so interested. I'm always interested to learn what other people are going through.

okay, well I'll leave it there. I'll be back to talk to you on the 50th episode of the show. Thank you.

 [00:28:00]